Sorry if I've...

...disgusted some of you with that picture. I have promised to remove the picture of my back post-surgery by Oct 8th, so you don't have to look at it forever! : ) I just had a follow up with my surgeon last Thursday...it went okay, I guess. I was a dissappointed by the progress I am making, or lack there of. He took some X-rays and said that he couldn't really tell yet whether or not the bone graft had "taken." The last time I saw my Surgeon he had said that by this appointment I should be far enough along in my recovery that I should start physical therapy...no such luck. My Dr. didn't say things looked bad, things are just taking more time to heal. Also, there is still the chance that my body could reject the bone transplants, good fun. So, physical therapy is now pushed back another two months and I am still on all the same physical restrictions that I have been on since coming home from the hospital. : (

It has been really hard for me to be patient and to keep being "good" with resting and taking life V E E E E E R R R R R Y Y Y Y slowly. Plus, I feel like everyone is expecting me to be all better by now. "Normal people" need a month to six weeks after a regular surgery and then they are back to their old selves, well not for me. As we all know, I am not "normal people," and I didn't exactly have a regular surgery either. I guess we'll all just have to be patient because it's gonna take me a WHOLE YEAR until I am ready for full duty life. I remember with the last back fusion I had, I tried to return to work and school six months post-surgery and it was way too early. I ended up getting really sick and my back never really got any better...hence this surgery I suppose.

If I had to guess, I would say that I am the one who is expecting me to get better quickly, not the rest of the world. Some how it's easier to allow myself to think the "pressure" to get well quickly is coming from "everyone else," than it is for me to admit that it is o.k. for me to need help and be dependant on others. I have to remember that this is about me not feeling worth being a bother to the people around me. Therefore, I have to hurry up and get better, otherwise people are going to become annoyed with me and won't like me any more. Isn't that stupid?! I guess that that part of my soul that is being saved daily is always in search for my selfworth. (Of course I KNOW where my selfworth comes from, it's just hard to walk it out daily.) I remember during the Search for Selfworth series in M.C., someone said that God would love me just the same if I were a world-wide evangelist, saving thousands of souls, or if all I did for the rest of my life was sit on the couch and eat potato chips. I guess I am putting that statement to the test a little bit! : ) It is harder than you would think to feel valuable when you aren't able to DO anything. I must remember that God creates human BEings, not human Doings. It just goes against everything the world and my head says...So, anyway, that's where I'm at these days. : )

Sometimes I think that this blogging thing is a bit like therapy! : ) Sorry to get a little deep on ya', I know that for the most part, people check blogs for the happy, nice news about their friends and aquintances, but with me, you get the whole enchalada! : )

I hope and pray that everyone of my friends out there in Bloggerland are doing well and enjoying the autumn season. I was so excited for Halloween this year...to tell the truth, I always am...but anyhoo, the past couple of years I would get dressed up and hand out candy to the kids from our apartment building, etc... The first year we lived in a different building and we got several trick or treaters, then we moved. Last year Ari and I both got dress up; he was a Starbucks Barista and I was a Hillbilly in overalls with a straw hat with exaggerated freckles and pig tails...we had two, count 'em, two trick or treaters the whole night, and they came together! : ( So, this year I had a bunch of candy, but I didn't dress up, I just lit some candles in the window to let people know we were home, etc...NOT ONE STINKING KID THE WHOLE STINKING NIGHT!!!!! Not even our faithful stand-by neighbor girls. Boy did they miss out, the Snickers bars were delicious this year! : ) Of course the Snickers bars are nearly gone already!

Well, that's enough outta me... As I was saying, I hope and pray that all of my dear friends out there in Bloggerland are doing well and enjoying this autumn season! It's always been my favorite time of year. I love it when it's super clear and sunny, but cold and really windy with leaves dancing on the breeze. I always feel so alive inside on days like that.

All My Heart, Kristen Fairlight Eddy